enpham

One down, one more to go :) 5:30-8 I wonder if he’ll make us stay the whole time. Either way, I better prepare, ha.

I have set a few goals for myself, i’m just going to leave them all here.

• This is the first semester in a while that I am taking a full load and nothing is a repeat - everything is in my major or minor - nothing is core, it’s all new material. I want to beast the fuck out of this semester.
• I want to keep my finances and emotions in check this semester - try not to let anything that may or may not happen effect my grades, because if I play this semester right, it will boost my GPA a great deal.
• Relax more. Be myself.
• Rely on myself more than others - that’s a big one.
• Join Marketing Club… or something that will look good on my resume.
• Have fun, but instead of it being drunken fun, let’s try to look more for adventuring type of fun. Like the kind you find at four AM on a Monday when you can’t sleep.

And that’s all for now, we’ll see where that goes.

The holiday season always gets me down, especially because my family is so scattered and everyone is split up and.

I just want to feel like it’s magical again. That’s what it’s suppose to be like, aside from the religious aspect (which I am fully aware of and respect). I just feel like the world has lost a lot of its beauty lately.

Just bring some magic into my life.

I want to meet someone who likes night drives just as much as I do. We can listen to fantastic music and I will drive us all over the place. We can get lost, find our way back to some place familiar, only to get lost again. You can Google the closest coffee shop when we start to grow tired, and we can hop back on the road. 

Please come into my life. 

Ian came down to visit and it was just… awesome.

I picked him out in the airport and gave him the biggest hug. I was so happy to just have a legit friend here. It ended up being just as I thought, we clicked pretty instantly and he was really easy to talk to. Easier than most of the people I see on a daily basis. We were drinking majority of the time and chilling the rest. I’m already looking forward to the next time he visits, or when I go to visit him. 

It was just such a breath of fresh air, from singing Blink 182 in my car to talking about getting out and exploring the world. I was just so happy this weekend, for so many reasons, but I’m blaming Ian and my friends for that. I’m so glad you got to come visit, Ian. I promise I’ll be a better host next time. :) 

I cannot wait for Halloween with the person I end up with. Our freshly carven pumpkins will light up the pathway to the home we’ve began to build together. We’ll smile at the kids coming up with their parents, like those who smiled at us when we were younger, and give out our overdone amount of candy because I will have insisted on buying too much. And at the end of the night, we’ll lock up, and curl up into bed together.

I just cannot wait to meet you.

Things I have decided to do as of recent

More homework
Less worrying
Less toxic situations
Less bullshit
More family
Less women
Move the hell on
But forward to no one.

Night drive to get my brother in the city over from mine. Then i’m going to come home and take the best shower of my life and lay here and talk to you guys until I have to be an adult and go to my internship in the morning. 

My train of thought is so fucked up right now. I’m going to go bundle up and hang out with my dogs on my back porch and work on this third cup of coffee. 

I want to meet beautiful people and hear all about their life. And I don’t mean beautiful in the physical sense. I want to see every inch of their soul come out in the stories they tell me, I want to be enveloped in the look in their eyes when they explain the darkest points of their lives and I want to see them light up when they talk about their wants and needs and the people they have come to love. 

and yes, i’m finished now. 

I am excellent at numbing my emotions to the point of having none.

Step 1: go get coffee
Step 2: continue ignoring feelings
Step 3: more coffee

for these random mother fuckers that showed up in my life. 

All of the friends I have are legitimately the only reason I keep my sanity and try as hard as I do to do well for myself. 

Dianna, Mayra, Susana, Mary, Ian, Carley, just fucking every single person who knows any shread of anything about my life right now. You’re all just amazing and I only want the best for you and thank you all for being your wonderful selves. Just all of you come here so I can hug you and then buy us all beer. hahaha. 

/endrant 

I miss the nights I would spend the night at my sister’s house and wake up with my niece tugging on the blankets trying to wake me up. And pretty soon I’m going to have a niece and nephew and I just can’t even. omg :3

Why would I want to invest all of my time and energy into something or someone that will eventually leave? I know it sounds like I’m being the typical girl, but really, think about it. You built yourself up, let this person in and they become your best friend and then they leave and you’re like, well that was cool. Guess I don’t have that friend anymore and also now I am alone. Yeah you’ve learned things about yourself, but you could have learned those without getting into a relationship in the first place. 

I don’t know, everything as of recent is being extremely skewed and surreal and I don’t really know how to handle it other than just say fuck it. 

I cannot believe that conversation just happened. I really cannot. It’s blowing my mind and I am going to wake up tomorrow morning and read through it again and still not believe it because wow. Also, I hope I don’t feel this awful when I wake up tomorrow morning because my throat is killing me. 

I’m about to go start some coffee for my mom, because she has to be at work at five a.m. and then I am taking my ass to sleep for hopefully 10+ hours. 

What an interesting Friday night.